an englishman in osaka.
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helpful feet
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Instructions for use:
1. Approach painted feet at a steady but sensible speed.
2. Slow down just as you reach painted feet.
3. Carefully place your feet on painted feet.
4. Look left. Look right. Listen.
5. If clear, proceed in an orderly manner.
A pair of painted feet in the middle of the road. Not much good if a lorry is approaching from behind.
The streets of Osaka are now safer thanks to these helpful feet.
JC in Japan
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Bored of Buddhism?
Shying away from Shintoism?
Well fear God not because there's a new kid on the block - and his initials are JC.
Take a stroll down your street and He'll soon give you a sign - a sign in the form of a cross - a cross standing tall and proud, taller and prouder than the omnipresent TV aerials which compete daily for heavenly space.
And don't forget - JC's signal is the strongest in town - and he's broadcasting to you on a wavelength different to that of NHK.
JC's churches in Japan all feature their very own non-authentic stained glass windows, placed religiously behind regular wire-mesh windows to give you the best possible ethereal experience.
JC's doors are always open, come breakfast, lunch or dinner.
And if you're worried about the culinary side of Christianity in Japan, then hold it right there - it's not all holy bread and red wine. Attend a sermon here and you'll be happily served a starter of seared serendipity, a main of marinated miracle and a dessert of delicately roasted religious doctrine (a side dish of sanctification is optional).
So don't delay. Meet JC today. He's waiting for your prayer.
sakura shambles
Saturday, April 05, 2008
spring + Japan = cherry blossom celebrations
In Japan, the appearance of the pretty pink petals means that public parks up and down the archipelago will be packed with party people partying till they go positively potty. Except in Osaka.
This year, it's all gone a bit wrong.
When the authorities planted the seeds for the blossoms a few months back, little did they know that a mix-up of astronomical proportions had been made.
It was only when the buds bloomed last week that they realised they'd planted the wrong seeds. So this year there are no pink blossoms in Osaka. Only yellow ones.
For the first time since hanami (blossom viewing) was invented 22 years ago, the people of Osaka are faced with having to postpone their parties.
Last Tuesday, on the official day of blooming, people awoke expecting to see their city awash in a beautiful sea of pink. Instead they were faced with this....
Sadly, they're nowhere near being anything like pink.
Pretty, but the wrong colour.
Farmers across the city are hurriedly planting new seeds in the hope that little pink cherry blossoms will bloom later this month, but inside their heads they know it's too late.
A farmer on a miniature tractor works in vain for the people of Osaka.
Some cherry blossom plants are just beginning to show, but they won't be ready until at least December....
At the same time last year, this park was filled with people drinking lots of beer and sake while enjoying the cherry blossoms and lots of beer and sake....
....but now it stands empty because everything has turned yellow.
Some people have taken to partying under pink potted plants, but it's just not the same....
A potted plant is clearly no substitute for the real thing.
Is THIS the man responsible for the shambles?
Probably not.
A friendly person.
loot-saving fruit
Sunday, March 30, 2008
A recent trip to my local food-selling establishment had this shiny selection on sale for 5,000 yen (about 25 British quids), each piece of fruit with its own protective padding to stop it getting damaged should it be necessary to use it as an offensive weapon.
For some people, the prohibitive cost of fruit here means forgoing its healthy benefits.
However, if you're prepared to look around a bit, you can find some real bargains. Like this rather inviting selection of oranges I stumbled upon recently, which turned out to make a really tasty fruit salad - once I'd picked out the grit of course....
Free fruit. Spoon and bowl included.
the city that never was
Sunday, March 23, 2008
But no one came.
Jump on a train heading east out of Osaka and in just over 30 minutes you'll come to Otsu, a city built 20 years ago at the southern end of Lake Biwa.
But when they finished building it, no one went to live there.
So now it stands deserted, inhabited only by the cold winds that blow in from Lake Biwa. Like a great sports stadium, Otsu has a capacity of 100,000 - but an attendance of zero.
Taxi drivers outside the station ponder what has become known as The Great Otsu Planning Fiasco.....
Trains stop at Otsu Station, but no one gets off....
or on....
It's a city of deserted streets....
....a city of unattended lemons....
Inset: lemons
.....a city of unimaginatively named buildings....
....of playgrounds not full of children....
....a place where electronics retail giant Yodobashi Camera opened a smaller-than-usual store to adequately cope with the lack of customers....
....a city with evidence of alien visitations. These mysterious Quorn Circles are of particular interest to scientists.
An Otsu noticeboard lists upcoming events that will be attended by no one.
Here's a photo of the annual Otsu Festival of Light in full swing....
An Otsu bus timetable clearly shows that if you arrive at this bus stop at 7.57, you're going to be in for a bit of a wait....
.....as for Sundays, best bring a sleeping bag and a good book....
In a country well known for its crowded urban areas, Otsu may come as a pleasant surprise. It may also leave you feeling a tad spooked.
spot the differentiations
Saturday, March 15, 2008
So here's one I've created for people of a similar disposition.
Simply print off the two almost identical pictures - one of an American school bus, the other of a Japanese school bus.
Then, using your powers of observation, circle the 748 differences (625 if using a non-colour printer).
Good luck!
An American school bus.
A Japanese school bus - fun for children on the outside.
cometh the hour, cometh the sand
Saturday, March 08, 2008
After picking grains of it out of their muesli, they would've gone outside to see their car covered in the brown stuff.
Having got to work and brushed their desk down, they might've had a conversation with a colleague that went something like this:
A-san: Did you see the sand?
B-san: Yes.
A-san: Lunch is soon.
It got everywhere - in people's hair, in their eyes, it even got into some people's brains.
The foul-smelling finger of blame is being pointed at China, already in Japan's bad books following their alleged foray into the unprofitable market of poisoned dumplings.
It seems that the sand may have blown in from the Gobi desert, a claim backed up by this recent photo of the desert which clearly shows that all the sand has been blown away, leaving only the concrete beneath....
Prime Minister Fukuda talks tough....
Mr Fukuda continues to mystify political commentators who can't for the life of them work out why he needs to lick ice creams while making speeches.
osaka subway PET bottle mystery
Sunday, March 02, 2008
I often get emails asking whether any new lines have opened recently on Osaka's subway system. The answer to the question is "yes", though the line isn't that new because it didn't open recently.
The newest line on the system is the Imazatosuji Line, which opened in December, 2006. Judging by the spotless nature of the trains and stations, one could easily be led to believe it opened yesterday. But it didn't.
This man alone is responsible for the stunningly good condition of the line's entire fleet of trains and all 11 stations....
The Imazatosuji Line is the first to have barriers installed on the platforms to prevent depressed salarymen falling forward onto the track just as a train arrives at high speed....
The very latest computer technology has been utilised to ensure the perfect alignment of the barriers with the train doors, allowing for the effortless movement of passengers from carriage to platform and vice versa and then vice versa again if necessary....
New carriages, new seats and new passengers....
Architects who are also good at art were called in to design the stations....
However, in recent months there's been a significant increase in chatter in Osaka-based internet chatrooms due to the mysterious appearance of used PET bottles cut in half and stuck upside down on the ceilings of some stations along the line....
Is this art? Or is it just half an upside-down PET bottle taped to the ceiling?
Or possibly something altogether more sinister....
trendy bendy
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Like most people, I often wake up in the middle of the night thinking about what kind of corporate exhibition I might like to put on in a large convention centre.
Deep down, I know that whether it's an exhibition showing off the virtues of sushi, or an event selling a variety of miniature shrines, or even a get together of people marketing gently scented tatami mats, I'll need people in costumes to give demonstrations, or to just lie on the product in a sexy way.
So imagine my delight when I happened upon the aptly named Bendy, a catalogue full of lovely ladies (and one man) dressed in a variety of sensible clothing.
Bendy is your number one stop for all your exhibition needs.
Could this woman sell YOUR product?
The catalogue consists of 39 lady pages. Page 40 shows a man in a number of blazers with a perfectly poised fist and smile....
member treatment
Sunday, February 17, 2008
That's right, the male member has now entered the mushrooming market of beauty care. So guys, if your schlong has lost its sheen, if your equipment needs exfoliating, or if you simply want some cream rubbed into it, then this new clinic is the place for you.
A range of treatments are available.
A beauty clinic to make your nob look beautiful again.
And after it's been given the once over, or even the twice over, you'll be able to enter this establishment bulging with confidence and with a twinkle in your eye....
choco messaging
Saturday, February 09, 2008
As most people know, in Japan it's a one way street, with the women buying choco for the men. Exactly one month later, on White Day, the men buy cookies for the women, and exactly one month after that, on Happy Day, the choco and cookie companies count their massive profits.
But first up it's Valentine's Day. Supermarkets and convenience stores are currently packed to the rafters with choco of every shape, size, taste and price.
The names of the choco can be interesting too. Should any woman want to leave the man of her dreams in no doubt as to her desired intentions, she can message him through the choco..........
For example, she might very well have the
....in which case she'll probably be wanting some hanky
....and almost certainly a
....you never know, she might even want her
Boobs Fondled - a ridiculous name for a bar of choco
a culinary cull?
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Greenpeace's ship has now returned to base having spent several weeks doing its best to disrupt the expedition.
The Japanese fleet plans to kill about 900 minke whales and 50 fin whales by mid-April for what it says is a scientific research programme.
Back in Japan, the laboratory awaits....
The test tubes are under the fancy napkins.
And the scientists are also looking forward to getting down to work....
A Japanese chef scientist adds the final touches chemical in a bid to see whether whale blubber can be used in desserts plasma television screens.
According to this website, the Japanese government claim to have "...scientific proof that commercial whaling of certain species would not have a negative effect on the species as a whole."
But try telling that to the whales....
The ongoing research is designed to determine things such as population numbers.
But there is growing evidence that the whales are staging a fightback....
Some people believe that soon after the expedition returns from the Antarctic in April, the whales will quickly find themselves back between the burger buns.
Whale burgers - too cute to eat?
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posts
- helpful feet
- JC in Japan
- sakura shambles
- loot-saving fruit
- the city that never was
- spot the differentiations
- cometh the hour, cometh the sand
- osaka subway PET bottle mystery
- trendy bendy
- member treatment
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- a salaryman morning
- windowless offices
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- the queueue
- kids park the fun do
- gate gap phenomenon
- squeezing it in
- nob planners
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